Pashyo's World

My Door To Existence

by Pashyo


From the very first time I did Dynamic Meditation in 1984 in Berlin, I knew this was an invitation to be myself, to be free of society’s restrictions, an invitation to allow this amazing life force inside myself unfold. Breathing, jumping, screaming, going nuts and entering into silence and celebration was the antidote to my hesitant, fearful mind.

At this time I had already dropped my corporate job and had decided all I wanted to do is dance. Dance, music and sex had been the only blissful experiences in my life. So I decided to look for work as a dancer. But there was no job in sight. I did not fit into the classical dance world. I felt a bit lost and was wondering what would happen once I ran out of my savings. My mind was carrying this old, dysfunctional software that was not programmed for the life I wanted to live now. I was in need for guidance and learning.

The Osho therapist who had introduced me to dynamic meditation became my guide. The combination of therapy and meditation was very helpful when I encountered my first demons and my mind was screaming: This is too dangerous! – You are going to end up in hell! The fight between my old programs and the real me brought me to the brink of insanity.

But very quickly Osho became my master and my guide. His energy was protecting and guiding me through this critical time. In him I could trust. His love dissolved my fears. In his discourses I learnt about this compass inside of me that would lead me wherever I needed to be. There was no need to look for outside leaders. It was all inside of me. Meditation was the tool that would connect with my navigation system.

Berlin was a great place to be. We had satsangs at the Osho Disco twice a week and the Kurfuerstendamm turned red of all the sannyasins streaming into the Disco. I was riding on a wave of love and bliss.

Becoming part of Osho’s tribe was an invitation to stop compromising. I could be myself no matter whether others approved. My experience in Osho’s commune in Oregon, in the ashram in Poona and in the Humaniversity was consistent: Whenever I followed my inner truth – even if it went against one of the rules, I was accepted and acknowledged. No surprise really with Osho as a role model.
Interacting with “normal” people, I get in trouble sometimes. This rebellious spirit of mine has its own way of making itself heard when I try to play along with societies rules and exposes me. But even then I feel supported by existence and troubles are usually small.
Sometimes along the way I got lost, too scared at times, reaching for outside security or running after soap bubbles, but the trust in Osho never left me. The invitation that Osho extended to me 30 years ago is still here inside of me waiting. He is the open door to my inner self. He is the constant reminder that there is more to see, more to let go of and that it is time to disappear completely. He is the luminous thread that helps me to find my way home.

He taught me to look for him in the silence of a bird’s song, in the cracks of reality, in the mystery lingering in the cool air of my morning walk, in the contentment of a full moon night. He resides in my innermost core and has become my door to existence itself.

Published in Viha Connection Magazine, September/October 2017